An Ode To Waiting
Waiting waiting waiting, the bane of my existence, the only thing I know, the courage that teaches me how to be okay with my present circumstances no matter how slow, how seemingly boring or uneventful it appears to be on the surface.
Waiting and then waiting some more, to where your mind feels stretched beyond it’s limits, where you tell yourself “there’s no fucking way I can wait any longer” until… it shatters. An aspect of it shatters as you begin to see there was never anything real underneath it to begin with.
Waiting is medicine. Waiting is the only thing that’s allowed me to see my not-self, to see the strategies and actions it would have taken in the past to rid of the uncomfortable feeling of waiting. I am so grateful nothing happened for me over the last year. I am so grateful I didn’t get a bunch of bookings or get busy or get anything of what my mind thought it wanted.
If my mind controlled the timing of my life, everything would be different. And yet, what is happening right now - the seeming endless abyss of nothingness - has left me with the least amount of resistance I’ve ever experienced. I don’t have any obligations, I have no one I have to answer to, I can spend my time how I want. This is actually what I've always wanted; it looks absolutely nothing like what my mind had envisioned.
I feel like a crazy person. Everything I thought really mattered to me, doesn’t actually matter. The waiting is the deconditioning. It feels like you’re burning through every open centre, an agonising, long-drawn-out, painful burning, as you're left peeling off layers of dead flesh. It's a purifying process, a shamanic initiation if you will, where you’re being doused in fire so your crystal can be shined down to what is it’s true essence.
Waiting is the most radical thing you will ever do. It is the most courageous, bold, giant fuck you, to a world which glorifies incessantly chasing after everything in life until you hit your deathbed exhausted. I will not subjugate myself to that kind of mental anguish ever again.
We are here to trust life. We are here to trust the body. We are here to trust our geometry. What is truly correct for you cannot pass you by, no matter how long you wait.