Individual Spirit

I’m convinced the people who are awake you’d never know. Because they are not shouting from the rooftops who they are. They are not performing their awareness. They have no need to demonstrate or prove to anybody else what they know. I think the byproduct of waking up is you have nothing left to say. What exactly is there to say anymore? Let alone to do?

(yes, I am aware I am a hypocrite for writing such a statement and then proceeding to write as if I do have something to say. But lets ignore this contradiction and carry on.)

I don’t even know if I care much for human design anymore. At least, the intellectual pursuit of the knowledge itself. I no longer wish to be a teacher or a reader or some form of public figure which my mind so desperately imagined in these first few years. I do not care for profiting off this system in any material way; I don’t care about turning this into a “business”. If that happens in my future, I can only know when I get there.

I only want what is correct for me. The correct relationships, to nourish my body in the ways that is healthy for it, to be in the right environment, and to accept whatever happens arises out of these interactions. I think there is a natural humility that comes through deconditioning: the humility that knowledge does not translate into power and there are mysteries the mind can never know.

My mind is still fucked up. I think the horror, for me, is realising several years into my experiment that I will never be rid of my mind. It’s always going to be there, tinkering away, scheming, torturing me with this and that. It has it’s hang-ups and usual stories and rotten remarks it likes to berate myself with. The only thing I can really do is watch and remember it doesn’t mean any of it is true. My life is not my mind, my mind is not my life.

Human design is nothing like I thought it was. It’s not the information or keynotes you read on a screen or in a book. It’s not the workshops or classes or courses you take on the subject. It’s something that goes much deeper, something that truly has no words. It is in the active living of your life and being the conscious witness does awareness emerge out of this process. That is the only "goal".

I truly do not care how many Ra lectures you’ve listened to, or how much source material you’ve memorised. It does not mean shit. I personally now find it quite boring. I recognise for some people this is their trip. But I know now it is not mine.

I am more interested in seeing it. I am more interested in the experiment itself. Most of all, I am more interested in the spirit. I do not care how perfect you are, because I myself am deeply unpolished and flawed. And I tend to resonate to those who are also this way. I am a messy human, with messy emotions and a messy mistake driven process, and I am proud of it.

For me, deconditioning these past 3.5 years has been terrifying and lonely and frankly, everything has felt like it’s fallen apart (and continues to fall apart) in order to make space for what is right for me. I am still existing in that void of empty space. It feels like every step of the way, I have to “give up” something else, in which my mind protests and screams because it thinks it’s sacrificed enough. It has not. I know there is more to go.

Human design is the intangible spirit you discover for yourself, something you will never find if you are continually looking for external answers. It is not about gaining anything from this process because there is nothing to gain. It is only about being open to seeing where it takes you. Without interfering with it, or your mind trying to interpret it, but surrendering to the path of where you end up. That is the true leap of faith. And it takes real courage to make that jump.