On Relationships
As a 3/5 single definition, relationships have never been my forte. They do not come naturally to me — my first instinct when something is not working is to abandon them and run for the hills. I will admit I often fantasize about leaving everybody behind so I can live in a foreign country and start from scratch. Compromise can sometimes feel like cutting off a limb.
Our relationships determine the quality of our lives. We have all heard the studies claiming that the people who live the longest are the ones with the most satisfying and healthy relationships. Or the stories of the older couple where when one passes away, and the other suffers from such severe heartbreak they die a week later. And how many times have you heard the saying that you are the five people you surround yourself with the most. We can’t deny the direct effect those in our inner circle have on us.
Even more so when you are a Projector, or a quad-right Projector in my case. We are solely focused on the other — we aren’t about introspection or personal discovery. We find out who we are through the other. My rightness means that I can only give out what is pulled from my well. The quality of the person on the other side is going to determine what comes out of me. And let me tell you, it feels uncomfortable to watch things come out of me which I don’t particularly enjoy.
Type sets the foundation for how we should correctly enter into relationships. It is unfortunate that if a relationship was not entered into correctly from the beginning, it will always be at a disadvantage to some extent. Think about how many people who come to design mid-way through their lives, married, children, and the relationship never started off correctly. It can be a shock, if not frightening, to realise you were never yourself from the start. That is not to say it won’t last if you enter into this process. But many a relationship have not survived when one person begins to experiment with living their design.
In fact, it is interesting to observe how many relationships will melt away from your life once you radically commit to living your Type. Often, there are no big blow-ups or even conversations for that matter, but they just move into the background as you make space for more aligned relationships to come in. You cannot have the right people in your life if it is crowded by those who no longer serve where you’re at. You must make space; making space can be terrifying because it is built on surrender, on trusting you are moving along your unique line of geometry and will meet the right people who are meant to be there for you.
We know we cannot change who we are. We are born with the definition we have. I have a favourite Aussie saying that a friend once told me, which is forever burnt into my brain: “you get what you get, and you don’t get upset.” Well, it’s true. No point crying over the definition you were born with. May as well learn to accept it and love your limitations, because what else is there to do?
In a similar fashion, we cannot change other people. They also had no choice with the definition they were born with. You may not like it. And that’s tough luck — if you can’t put up with the weird quirks somebody has, there are lots of other people out there who you may be able to tolerate more.
(Obviously, keep in mind this entire article is about somewhat “normal” relationships and is not referring to cycles of abuse or anything else that would put you in danger. In no circumstances should these relationships be “accepted” for what they are.)
In Human Design, we talk a lot about “no choice”. It often upsets people, because we have collectively been conditioned to be manifestors who possess “free will” (which arguably, they don’t even have). But I have always known deep down this isn’t true. If it were true, I sure as hell would have found love by now and had a serious relationship. If it were true, my god, would my personality like to change some things about my life.
We can’t go looking for it. Relationships happen or they don’t. Look at all the closest people you have in your life (sans family) and reflect back on how they got there — chances are, they arrived serendipitously at exactly the right moment, when you just going about living your life for yourself. At least that is how all the most significant relationships have happened for me.
We can’t control how long they are there for. The pain for me in whatever weird situationships I’ve had in my life is that I wanted them to be different than what they were. I wanted them to work; I wanted them to stay (open spleen problems). I was in denial of simply seeing the relationship for it was, for allowing it to run its natural course without interference.
We do not need to interfere with our lives — this is the whole thing about this experiment, there actually is nothing to “do”. Living your design is about “being”. It is about releasing the control of the personality over your life, or the illusion it had any to begin with. When you start to let go, it all just becomes a movie. All you have to do as a passenger is see what’s front of you.
A relationship is correct for however long it is correct. And when it stops being so, you can graciously let go. It is not personal or about blame. It doesn’t mean the relationship wasn’t successful, or that you don’t still love the other person deeply. It just means your time hurtling together through space has ended, as you start to fly off in different directions. You may come back again to fly together in the future; you may not. It’s all okay; it’s all perfect, exactly as it is.
They say if you keep waking up and seeing the same face every day it must be love. It might surprise you who is there, who continues to be there, who you thought would be there forever and has now gone on a different path. I think for me, it has made me greatly appreciate whoever happens to be in my life at this very moment. Because it can all change in a heartbeat. To be terribly cliché and sappy, life is so fleeting; if we can’t be present for it, there is nothing else for us.