Open Spleen Fantasies
A few weeks ago, I was sitting in a café with two other conference goers in town. We were talking about our charts and discovered we all have the 41st gate, the gate of contraction, the gate of fantasy.
“Okay, what would be your ultimate fantasy? No, not sexual fantasy lol. But if your mind could daydream about anything it wants, what would be the first thing you would think of?”
I was first. I talked about how I want to be independent, have an established career, and to support myself financially. Everything really was about money1 and being “successful”. Yes, I am that shallow. But even when I was very young — it would have been the same answer.
“Isn’t it funny that you have an open spleen and such a strong desire for success and stability?”
Fuck. Light bulb moment. Everything that spewed out of mouth was me voicing my open spleen’s desire for safety and security in this world. I then was horrified realising how many decisions I’ve made in my life based on the fear of survival — to stay in certain relationships, to keep certain jobs, or to seek out these things because I thought they would make me feel safe.
The person next me fantasised about having the perfect relationship, what they desire in a partner. Basically, their dream was about love.
They have an open G centre.
Of course, the first thing their mind is going to fantasise about is love and relationships. It’s going to fantasise about having a clear direction in life, about who or what can provide them a sense of identity.
(Not to say undefined/open Gs only dream of relationships — they could also want a successful career. But the prime motivation is because it would give them love and direction. My obsession with being successful is based on fear and survival.)
The mind is built on our openness. Our openness is where we take in the world around us — the problem arises when it thinks we have to become that.
The undefined ego who thinks they need to be the consistently motivated ego being.
The undefined ajna who believes they need to be certain in the way they process information.
The undefined sacral who thinks they need to work harder and more than every Generator on the planet.
This is where the mind is going to pressure you into making a decision; this is where the repetitive mental stories are born. This is what can keep you locked into a certain way of living, even when it feels deeply unsatisfying and unfulfilling.
If the mind is built on your openness, can you see how you’re totally screwed trying to figure out your life with your mind? Decisions are the backbone of where you end up, who you’re with, and what you’re doing. As an open spleen, my entire life could be ruled around “does this make me feel good? Will this make me feel safe in this world? Will this make the fear go away?”
But the truth is there is no remedy. There is no permanent solution. Even if I were to follow my mind’s reasoning, it doesn’t mean the fear goes away.
Living as myself means accepting the fear will never go away.
It means accepting that the pressure of my openness is always going to be there. But it will not rule my decision-making — it becomes the sieve, the filter, the mirror. I get to experience those energies through the other, without identifying with it or thinking it’s mine.
There is a hierarchy to the conditioning power of the centres. We often have a core root wound, based on what you have undefined or open highest up the ladder.
(For split definitions — look at your bridging gates too.)
The order of the centres in terms of not-self conditioning, according to source material, is this:
Ego — proving oneself in order to feel worthy or valuable.
Solar plexus — avoiding confrontation and truth because it causes emotional discomfort.
G-centre — looking for love and direction, seeking a consistent identity.
Spleen — holding on to things for too long which aren’t healthy out of fear for survival.
Ajna — trying to be certain and fixed in your opinions, beliefs, knowing, and ideas.
Head — thinking about things that don’t matter. Answering other people’s questions to relieve the mental pressure.
Root — excessive hurrying to get rid of the pressure/stress.
Sacral — never knowing when enough is enough, when to quit, or when to rest.
Throat — trying to attract attention, an obsession with manifestation/action.
As a defined ego, for example, I don’t really have a problem with worth and value. It’s never been a mental preoccupation of mine to say “yes” or make a decision based on whether it will make me feel worthy or valuable. For others with an undefined/open ego, I see how this is the bane of their existence.
With my design — you can see that my open spleen is the first place my decision-making defers to when governing my life through the mind — “will this make me feel secure?” Next comes the pressure of my undefined ajna, convincing me how this decision will make me appear to be certain. My undefined head then says it will resolve the doubt and confusion. My undefined sacral then overcompensates by amplifying everyone else’s energy, in order to feel like “I’m doing enough”. And finally, my undefined throat tells me if I do all these things, I will be noticed and attract attention from the world.
Awareness occurs when you catch your mind in the process of spinning out and realise it’s not you. The story may then evaporate into thin air as you recognise the “problem” it would very much like you to “fix” — aka, take action or make a decision on — doesn’t actually exist!
During the last few months, my mind has been obsessing over why I need to get a part-time job. Of course, my mind has many reasons as to why it believes it would benefit me — the social aspect, making (some) money again, having a somewhat “normal” routine.
But when I got real with myself, the underlying motivation for getting a job right now is to feel safe and secure in my survival. To be rid of the fear — to have something to hold onto.
This is not to say that getting a job is not correct for me. I might still get a part-time job. Yet, the point is, if it’s meant to happen, it will come to me without my mind strategising on how to make it happen.
Everything in my life which has been correct for me to experience has kind of just… happened. People banged into me. Jobs banged into me. Usually when I stopped looking for them or simply didn’t care if they were there or not.
Because in reality, right now I am more than okay. My life has generally improved over the last four years — I have spaciousness, more meaningful friendships, the freedom and autonomy I have always wanted. It is only my mind which is uncomfortable with the means in which this is all transpiring, because it’s nothing like how it thought it would happen.
And yes. Maybe this is all luck. All privilege. Maybe I am delusional for thinking this way of living (in surrender) could possibly work. Maybe it’s time I “grew up” and joined the “real world”. Maybe I truly am off with the fairies as my dad believes me to be.
But also — how am I to know?
Maybe, the real delusion is the absurdity in thinking this couldn’t possibly work.
Maybe, I’m not crazy and the rest of the world is.
Surrender is the daunting realisation my mind has no idea what the hell is going to happen next. Yet the truth is, it never did. For some people that might seem obvious. For others, “the plan” is the only thing they’ve ever known (although I doubt it’s ever worked completely).
The mind, as badly as it wants to be the driver, is merely a passenger; this is the body’s life and it has its own trajectory.
I trust it knows where it’s going and I will do my best to get out the damn way.