Solitude.

I’ve been craving a lot of solitude this winter. As I’ve been going through a physical healing journey, and my own metaphorical winter, I have not had the capacity to socialize. I’ve declined invitation after invitation because I genuinely do not have the energy or capacity to be around others right now. At first, I was judging myself, my mind coming up with stellar arguments as to why I “should” be saying yes instead of no. But eventually, I sunk into it. This is a season of rest. Having self-compassion during these times of “non-doing” is a journey within itself.

When we go through some form of healing journey — whether that’s physical, emotional, spiritual, or all of the above — we need a lot of time alone to process. We need to clear out the noise. In an acupuncture session last week, the practitioner reflected back to me unprocessed anger (or “heat”) trapped in my body. I was initially diagnosed — from the TCM lens — with Liver Stagnation. The Liver, energetically, is associated with unprocessed emotions and anger. When these feelings are repressed and not felt, it can lead to the manifestation of health issues down the line.

I realized I was feeling A LOT of anger towards Human Design, to the years I had “lost” to this system and community. Of course, it’s complex: this is not the demonize the entire system as “bad,” nor ignore the fact many of my closest friends I met through engaging with this body of knowledge. But I am currently having such a visceral NO in my body to anything Human Design related, a physical repulsion, almost like I want to throw up whenever I see content on it, or hear someone refer to their chart using the specific language of the system.

This extreme physical reaction is really just my body’s way of saying STOP, I DON’T WANT TO TAKE THIS IN ANYMORE. It led to me doing something I’ve been avoiding for a long time: unfollowing every Human Design account on my IG, which then became unfollowing everyone. Zero. I created a clean slate, and it feels so SO good to be completely free from it all.

I’m identity shifting. I don’t know what to share on social media anymore… I don’t know how I want to show up (or if I want to show up at all). I’m exhausted from the metrics, the comparison, the endless stream of content and the pressure I feel to keep up. I barely even know these days whether I’m posting something authentic or if I’m just doing it for the attention and external validation. I keep trying so hard to “be different” and “original” and fuck I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t be bothered to edit my words or self-expression right now. I can’t be bothered to be aesthetically pleasing or construct quip and witty Instagram captions. I hate stories; I always have. So I am returning to my roots: writing long-form diary entries into the void. This is what feels most natural to me.

In times of solitude, I often return to blogging. It becomes my sacred space online, a secret bedroom where I get to parse out my thoughts and experiences for myself. If you have read this far, welcome in. I promise not to sell you anything or paint a glamorized version of my life. I just want to share with you my insights, what I’m processing, and what I’m currently interested in. Be warned: these change rapidly.