Wintering & Shadow Work
Aesculap-Schlange, by Josef Maria Eder and Eduard Valenta (1896)
When the winter solstice came towards the end of last year, I felt a shift in my internal world. The last three months of 2024, I had been feeling momentum, excitement, and was experiencing a mini “bloom” in my life (new job, new relationships, the holiday season etc). So it was difficult for me to notice the change at first. And when I did notice it, I didn’t want to surrender to what it was bringing up. I didn’t want to slow down.
I was drawn to exploring TCM and acupuncture towards the end of last year — a friend recommended me someone, I had a consultation and vibed with the practitioner, so I committed to beginning a six-week treatment program at the start of January. I think this marked the beginning of the descent into the darkness, embracing the thematics of winter, hibernation, and ultimately, healing.
Whilst initially, I began acupuncture to treat my insomnia (which became chronic over the last year), I have been having an intensely emotional experience during each session. Memories and trauma have been resurfacing to process. Realizations and “aha” moments have been clicking into place. I have been diving back into a lot of self-help work I abandoned years ago, thinking I was “done” and didn’t need it anymore. Spoiler alert: I do.
There’s always more layers to the onion that need to be peeled back. It’s not that I sought out doing “the work” — it arrived on my door step. The distinct emotions I am currently dealing with are grief, sadness, anger, and pain… My acupuncturist recommended to start taking the Bach flower remedy called Star of Bethlehem. It’s for processing shock. Now that my body and nervous system are slowing down enough to relax — no longer in a hyper-vigilant stress response — now I’m able to feel what I did not give myself permission to feel in the past. I know the word “trauma” is a heavy word, and overused to the point where I generally tend to roll my eyes, but I don’t have another word to describe it. The last couple years were traumatic. It feels weird to admit that.
Alongside this physical healing journey, which has simultaneously morphed into an emotional healing journey, I’ve been diving back into Shadow Work. The Shadow, when it comes to the world of psychology and self-development, refers to the parts of ourselves we repress, judge, or shame, in both ourselves and others. It’s those sticky points where we get unconsciously “triggered” – an external situation occurs, and it creates an over-exaggerated emotional reaction in your body. You become defensive, emotionally charged, or feel your nervous system get activated. What triggers you, however, will not trigger somebody else. We all have our unique pain points, based on our past experiences.
I have done Shadow Work before, but this time it feels really heavy. It feels like I am unearthing some Deep Shit™. It feels like I am purging old versions of self, pulling them right out from the roots.
The two resources I am currently using is the To Be Magnetic workshop on Shadow (I thought I would never go back to TBM but here I am) and a book by Caroline Myss called Entering the Castle. The latter, by the way, is probably one of the most intense books on shadow I have ever encountered (it’s not explicitly about shadow work, but it goes into similar themes). It is essentially a guide to entering into the “castle of your soul,” which is constructed of seven mansions. In each mansion, there are various rooms where you explore aspects of your soul. It provides meditations and journal prompts for you to directly talk to her/him/it. I am still only in the first mansion. When I entered into the very first room, the question asked to contemplate was, “how the fear of being humiliated controls you.” I mean, hot fucking damn. This book is NOT playing around. I’ll keep you updated as I continue to move through each mansion…
Anyway, I want to start using this blog again to process what I’m going through. I somehow always find myself returning to blogging when I’m in this in-between space — parsing out who this new version of myself is, in real time. I want to stop taking writing so seriously, and writing these more blog-diary-entries feels like breathing for me: it’s easy, it’s fun, and I like being away from the likes/stats/metrics of social media.
To anyone who has not hit the ground running at the beginning of this year, who hasn’t felt a huge surge of energy to be “productive” or work on their goals, I am right there with you. I am in the thick of Wintering. I have been cocooning and hibernating and reflecting. I have been diving headfirst into my Shadow; I have been learning how to take care of my body to support the process of healing. Even though sinking into this space feels scary — because I’m essentially allowing myself to let go — I know something is being transformed within me. I feel something is being rearranged, and I need ample time to digest everything that’s coming up.