What do I want?
I feel like this used to be a very easy question for me several years ago. I would list off a bunch of “bigger vision” things — becoming a writer, finding a partner, making X amount of money etc. When it came to material things, I became a pretty hardcore minimalist in 2018 when I challenged myself not to buy anything “new” for an entire year. I decided I didn’t “need” anything and wanted to be more eco-conscious with my consumerism. I stopped shopping, even though it was something I LOVED to do when I was younger. Denying myself of new clothes and shopping became my new normal. I could say no to almost any material thing now even if I deeply desired it.
Then when I found Human Design, this reinforced a non-preference for any wants or desires (including non-material things like my direction and purpose in life), declaring it was all just my mind, that I wasn’t allowed to want anything because that would be me trying to stay in “control.” Now I’m emerging from that era — or swamp, lol — when I ask myself this question, I feel stumped. What is it do I actually want out of life? How do I want to feel?
I believe when we disconnect from our inner desires, our light turns off. The spark for life goes missing. We become a watered-down shell of who we truly are. I genuinely feel like I was a wet-paper towel for several years there, the more I disconnected from my desires.
If you think of children — they are very connected to what they want. The two-year toddler starts to develop an ego and says “I want this” or “I don’t want that.” At some point, however, we begin to be told we are not allowed to have what we want. Of course I am not a parent and have no idea what it’s like to raise children — but when we begin to shame this “wanting” part of ourselves, I think we begin to shut down. We begin to be imprinted with stories as to why we are not allowed to have what we want, why it is bad to want what we want, and why other people can have what we want, but not us.
Anyways, as I am in the process of rediscovering who the fuck I am outside of any system, modality, scripture, or way of being, I am asking myself this question. I am digging into what actually makes me feel like me, who am I authentically, and what actually feels good and easy. What is it that I want?
When you don’t have clarity on what you want, the starting point is to get clear on what you don’t want. If I have learnt anything over the last several years, I have been to the depths of what I DO NOT WANT out of life. I don’t want to feel depressed, stagnant, exhausted all the time. I don’t want to be in relationships or friendships that feel stifling, a burden, and become the only person I rely on. I don’t want to feel scared of social interactions, of dating, of meeting new people. I don’t want to feel bored, lost, like I am looking for ways to kill time each day. I don’t want to doom-scroll or binge TikTok, IG, and YouTube, and feel like shit and overstimulated afterwards. I don’t want to feel triggered by others who are living their best lives just because I am envious of their happiness — I don’t want to wallow in the depths of my own self-pity anymore.
Perhaps this is a question we have to truly evaluate every several years, as you throw out old identities to rebuild yourself — and your life — from the ground up again. Such is the process of evolution and growth.
The message I keep receiving when it comes to finding clarity on what I want is to simply, follow my joy. Even when it feels silly and trivial, even when it doesn’t make sense or answer existential questions such as “how am I going to make money” or “what’s my purpose in life.” To just follow what is lighting me up, day-by-day, including the desire for material things, using these desires as breadcrumbs of clarity.
Right now, the material things I want include (which for some reason all start with C):
Car — I am hitting my breaking point living in the States with no car. I need autonomy and freedom to go where I want, when I want.
Couch — I am done living like a squatter in my own home, which has been left unfurnished for the better part of a year now.
Clothes — I don’t feel like myself in my current clothes anymore. I don’t feel cute or confident and I am realizing, I have denied myself the pleasure of self-expression through fashion for over 7 years now.
Cat — I WANT AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL. Fuck that, I NEED ONE. Somehow manifesting a way to make this happen considering my landlord is strict with the no-pets policy (or maybe this means I’m going to move 😂)
and a bunch of other small things… using these desires as a starting point to allow the bigger vision of my life to unfold.