Deconditioning + Musings on Enviroment
It’s been nearly a month since my last blog post. It’s not like I haven’t been writing — I write nearly every day because it’s therapy to me, it’s how I process emotionally my experiences (that along with crying — the solar plexus needs regular clearing out).
But I haven’t been able to write in long-form lately for the public eye. I suppose, about a month ago, I had the realisation that as a Projector, I cannot output freely without an adequate return. And I began to notice the bitterness arising, feeling like I was giving content away for free without material compensation. Intellectual labour is valuable; my quad-right library of resources needs to be granted access.
Projectors do not generate or manifest. Even me, as somebody who has three very powerful motors defined, I cannot “work” for very long without an exchange. When I think of the concept of “work”, I think of sacral response. The jobs I have worked over my life, mainly in retail and hospitality, and then my last gig I was a media assistant for a famous astrologer, in all those positions, I was always forced to “respond”.
Responding is being asked to do something. Generators have an inbuilt capacity and the literal mechanism to know whether they have the energy or not for a task. Yes, no, yes, no. Of course, most workplaces ask you to do something with the expectation you must say yes (an absolute burden on anybody with an undefined/open ego).
But if you ask a Projector or anybody else who is non-sacral to “do” something? God, I just look at you in confusion. The only reason we “respond” is because we have been conditioned to do so since we were children. If the world was a design, it would be an emotional Manifesting-Generator; the pressure to “respond” is enormous and it takes sheer discipline and practice not to.
I’ve really been paying attention this last month to situations I would usually respond to. For example, my mother asked me to organise the birthday cake for my sister on the day and I felt immediate anger within my body. I didn’t respond to the text and then a few hours later everything got sorted out anyway. But I had to catch myself in the act of replying to say “sure!” before my awareness kicked in and went, “holy shit, you are a Projector and you DO NOT respond to requests like this”.
I need to be invited to do things, with the assumption that I can decline the offer without consequence. Furthermore, being emotional, you need to give me a couple of days before so I can process it through my wave. I cannot respond to you in the moment. I cannot respond to those who do not show me recognition. This can be a difficult truth to confront when it comes to dealing with friends and family, who assume your behaviour will stay the same to when you were not-self.
Another example — I felt the need to respond to every single DM and reply to my story or comment on my posts, even those who would simply ask questions without giving me some recognition beforehand. And then I realised, wait a minute, what the hell am I doing. I DO NOT RESPOND. Every time I respond as a non-sacral being I am making a mental decision.
It can be a rude shock to others when you start to radically live as a Projector. We don't have many templates or examples to go by in this homogenised world. The mere fact I am now living as a full-time Projector, still very much in my preparation phase, is triggering much of my family and friends. Anybody who is deeply in their process will find this to be true.
To chart a different path to your family/peers, one that looks longer and perhaps hasn’t yielded immediate “success”, can garner doubt and questions from those observing you. The more you differentiate, the more of a black sheep you become. It hurts but it’s just a matter of fact.
In addition to having all these realisations regarding my conditioned sacral response (the program and current 34-20 transit heightening this), I have also been mulling over the concept of environment.
The emotional process can be long, but you always reach clarity, eventually. It probably took me about a month to come to grips with how unhappy I was in my environment, with my living situation, and how detrimental that was to my process.
I have been attempting to write a post on environment for weeks and it just doesn’t want to come out. A hot tip for anybody who is a content creator: if you must force yourself to create, if you have to push, if you have to mentally sit down and think of what you want to make, it’s not time. In my own process, my truth gets pushed out of me whether I am ready for it or not.
If the question for me is “what do I want to write about”, then the answer is “I have nothing to write about”. I made a video about this before, these cycles of the solar plexus — processing takes time and energy, and I do not have the capacity to write anything if I haven’t gone through the processing phase.
Environment is important for everybody, regardless if your G-centre is defined or not, regardless of what your specific environment is according to your design nodal colour. We have to understand it’s our physical bodies that are impacted by our environment: how does this environment make me feel? Who am I taking in? Is my nervous system calm? Do I feel safe, both psychologically and physically?
If our bodies are the hardware and our personalities are the software, how we experience life will always be determined by the health of our bodies. Certain environments are going to either support differentiation or pull you towards homogenisation. The people you take in aurically each day is like putting them on a fork and eating them for breakfast.
Are you taking frustration, bitterness, anger, or disappointment in on a daily basis? Then imagine the impact that has on your body. In addition, if you’re emotional, and as somebody who is defined tribally, there needs to be emotional intimacy, constant communication, and touch. When my solar plexus feels unsafe to express, it becomes extremely unhealthy.
In the midst of emotional crises, I often don’t know why I am crying. It could be many things contributing to such build-ups of my tribal wave. Consciously, my mind hasn’t caught up yet to what my solar plexus is picking up on — the body moves faster than mind, always.
So eventually, I knew I needed to move. To move for both my own and my roommate’s sanity. Being both 3/5s, I understand now we just needed to break the bond. It’s incredible how the tension between us was instantly released as soon I informed her I was going to move out. Third lines need to break, re-new, and re-establish bonds constantly. This is a healthy and necessary part of our process. Goodbyes are rarely final.
How it worked out — my sister had already invited me to move out with her months ago, and by chance, she was still searching for a new place. I asked her (Generator) if she still wanted to move out with me to which she responded yes. Then everything happened very quickly — I am writing now from my new environment.
Yet, my last living situation was also entered into correctly. So, in essence, it was the correct experience to fall apart; it was the right lessons I had to go through. Just because something is correct at one point doesn’t mean it will always be that way. Navigating the in-betweens as a Projector can be difficult — we often have to be invited out of relationships and situations for us to unlatch our auric hooks. Colour transference recognition is a tool to discern whether the invitation is still correct for you or not. Had I ignored my solar plexus and continued to stay, I would be “hoping” things would turn around and get better between us, despite the obvious I needed to take responsibility and “fix” the situation at hand.
It felt a bit like my life was on hold until I could get to this new space; creatively, there are projects in my awareness I know I want to experiment with. Potentially a paid newsletter, where I will deliver my thoughts, experiences, what I am studying currently, and heretical ramblings straight to your inbox.
I may also give live a go at some point on Instagram — to be transparent, as an open throat, I have always found myself more articulate and comfortable with writing than I am with speaking. There comes a certain point where my voice literally just gives out when I talk too much. But I do enjoy talking when I am in the mood (gate 12 here), so I am waiting for the opportune time and when my solar plexus gives me the go ahead.
This is honestly one of the first completely stream-of-consciousness blog posts I have written on here. I quite like it. I suppose I have found myself trying to write with an agenda in mind lately. But the moment I am trying to strategize what I am trying to say is the moment I am lost in mental strategic conditioning. So these are my thoughts as of late, updates, and general mood as I’m weathering the hectic individual transits to my chart right now. Melancholy is by far my favourite muse.