Patterns, Boundaries, and saying “No”
The Swan, No.1 (1915), Hilma af Klint
The past few days, I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries. There’s this quote in the self-development world which says:
“The way you do anything is the way you do everything.”
Hearing this statement used to absolutely grind my gears. It still does. I feel my inner toddler wanting to throw a tantrum… feeling defensive, wanting to come up with a reason why this concept doesn’t apply to me.
It makes my ego so reactive because it asks you to look at yourself and to take responsibility for how you show up in the world. We are an amalgamation of patterns. These patterns are not isolated in one area, but bleed into every aspect of our lives.
I had an “a-ha” moment recently thinking about this concept in relation to boundaries. Truthfully, I still find it excruciating to say “no.” I’ll dance around it, avoid it, justify why it’s not that big of a deal if I just agree to something, even when I feel an intuitive hit something is not right for me.
My inability (or extreme resistance) to saying “no” — essentially ignoring my own boundaries — shows up in relationships, work, even when it comes to food and respecting my health. The pattern is not a result of external circumstances; it’s me, I hold the pattern. Which also means it’s up to me to take responsibility to shift it. This pattern isn’t necessarily a new revelation in my life. But I’m now seeing how deep the roots truly go… and I’m digging them up to get to why this pattern continues to show up, no matter the external situation.
In any process of self-inquiry, it’s essential to have self-compassion. Change is difficult. Being really honest with yourself is difficult. But I think seeing the pattern for what it is initiates the first step towards healing: awareness. I believe this is half the journey. The next part is forgiveness and self-compassion. When we can hold this space for ourselves, we naturally begin to implement these changes without force, effort, or strict discipline. It becomes something we want to do because we know it’s in our highest good, and we can no longer avoid it.
For me, the struggle to say “no” comes down to fear of abandonment, fear of letting someone down, fear of disappointment, fear of being unloved if I don’t agree to what someone is asking. These are the stories I tell myself. However, they are not necessarily true. The times I have said “no” to something or someone — usually, it is met with respect and understanding. Of course, this has not always been the case, which is why I likely developed the pattern in the first place (in order to avoid pain, the way my inner child learnt to cope).
It’s scary to realize that at the age of 27, I may have never been aware of my own needs, desires, and boundaries. Throughout my 20s, I adopted a “go with the flow” mindset, where as long as the other person was happy, I thought I could be happy. I can confirm this strategy does not work long-term. I’m seeing how I have to face this patten head-on in order to truly heal — it will not disappear on its own. Perhaps these revelations are the beginning of my Saturn Return. It’s heavy work. Saturn tends to do that. But he also bears fruit when you commit to the labor of slow, incremental change. In times of instant gratification, it’s a rare gift.