Inferno

I no longer have the energy to care anymore. You can call it apathy or depression, but it doesn't feel that way. I cannot be bothered for trying to appear I have anything together, that I have the answers, that I know anything about what the fuck I’m doing or where I'm going. I don’t really see how anyone could be in their experiment without experiencing a massive breakdown of their life and who they think they are.

I have this visceral urge to burn down every part of me which has ever tried to present some kind of persona; I want to toss it into the inferno, watch it go up in flames and disappear into the night sky forever. I would rather experience the chaos and shock of being ripped out of a life that was never mine to begin with to finally find what's real. I want to see: what exactly will be left standing when everything is but dust and rubble? Who will be left standing when there are no more false identities to lean on or pretend to play?

I have died many times in this process and I will die many times again. Each time I think I have it all figured out, the rug will inevitably be ripped out from under me and show me another layer of my own bullshit. The part of me who cares about becoming anything other than who I am must be discarded. The part of me who thinks I need to “try” or “do” anything other than breathe and be alive is is a liar. The part of me who was addicted to being seen as some kind of “authority” over others is just another figment of not-self distortion.

I no longer trust anything or anyone other than myself; I bow down to no one. You must do the same. The thought of worshipping anybody outside of myself as some all-knowing, almighty “god”, is as good as believing in religion; it makes my skin crawl. You cannot take anybody’s word as fact. You must verify this experiment for yourself.

I thought I knew shit about human design 2 years into my experiment. I’m going to look back a year from now and say the same thing. Human design is not what you think it is. It’s not what the teacher tells you or what you read in lectures or blogs; the information will not save you. This truly is a path you must walk alone. You must have the courage and the vulnerability to leave the homogenised life behind and begin anew. It will feel like you are free-falling into the black abyss and you will arguably never reach solid ground ever again.

You have to discover your own frequency. You have to feel it, taste it, embody it, for yourself. You got to be fucking patient because if you think you’ll understand this by tomorrow, you won’t. Buckle up because it's going to take many years. And if you expect to find anything or gain anything from this process, go somewhere else. If you want to feel “good” or “comfortable”, you have a plethora of new age spiritual practices to choose from to go back to sleep; pick your poison.

This is not a performance. Nor is it a popularity contest. I really don’t give a shit about becoming some “human design” personality or influencer; I just want to be myself. I don’t want to try hard or expend effort into maintaining some false illusion otherwise. I don’t care if you don’t believe me or share the same opinions as me. I don’t care if you’re correct, incorrect, if you’re balls deep in transference, or not. It has absolutely nothing to do with me. I would rather be selfish.

If I were to attain power, fame, or influence - or if I were to become a nomadic pauper with absolutely nothing to my name – it wouldn’t matter. It becomes, quite frankly, irrelevant. If everything were to change tomorrow, if nobody was watching you and you derived nothing from this process, would you still live this? Would you still begin this experiment if you received nothing in return?

I have reached the point where the only thing that actually matters is my own journey of deconditioning and awareness. Everything else is frivolous and a distraction from facing my own truth.