The Purge
I joke often how human design has ruined so many things for me. But I am also deadly serious. If you want an easy ride or a quick fix, do yourself a favour and don’t get into design. It can be a long and arduous journey that really has no solution except time.
The last three years of my life have been challenging. A sleuth of events happened in 2018 which led to a cracking point come November. It was a time when I knew I was in pain, I knew I was pretending to be something I was not, yet I didn’t know what to do or how to change it.
It was the beginning of The Purge. In hindsight, I see that entire year was just preparation for entering into the experiment. It had to clear the board. It had to literally shock me — I got the channel of initiation after all — into waking up to how much bitterness I’d accumulated, instead of pretending it didn’t exist and putting some cute décor on top as if that would hide it.
You must recognise that if you’re going to enter into this process, many things are going to change whether you’re ready for them or not. It will become blatantly obvious what relationships are no longer working, how much your job sucks the life out of you, that your coping mechanisms only seem to entrench you more into the not-self.
A quote from Ra on relationships imploding for Projectors (edited for clarity):
You come to an awareness and you begin to see that [certain relationships] are not correct for you. The one thing that I can tell you is that if you stay rigidly to your strategy and authority, sooner or later, those partners, those demanding partners whoever they may be that are not correct, the relationship explodes or implodes. It just does.
I mean, most relationships that projectors are involved in that are not really satisfying for projectors, these are just plugins. This is just “okay, this is the energy connection that I need, and I will put up with it.” And it’s like driving a car that you don’t really like. “All right, I need the transportation. So I will drive this shitbox and I will put up with it, because I do need the transportation. I’ll keep Harry in the house a little while longer, because I don’t have another Harry”, and it just works out that way.
So if you’re in it, all you can do is go through the process of being correct and waiting for the explosion, because it will come.
excerpt from Projector Empowerment day 1
And it will potentially be lonely. Human design is about transforming one person at a time. It is about the individual living out their uniqueness. Uniqueness is not about sameness, it is not about conforming and going along with the group. You have to do this alone. That’s the truth; you were born alone, and you will leave this earth alone. How comfortable are you with yourself? How much do you love yourself? Because you are the only consistency that will be with you until the end.
When we say to “love yourself” in human design, it is not the commoditized version of it that has been marketed to us by the billion-dollar self-care industry. Loving yourself, in this context, means living out your definition. It means living as yourself, honouring your Strategy and Authority. This is the path to loving oneself; it’s what I call “radical self-acceptance”. We are not trying to change, improve, or “fix” what we are. It is truly embracing both the potential and limitations of what you were born with. The irony in hating ourselves is that we hate the wrong self — we loathe our not-self. We’ve never even met our true self.
This is about coming together with others in our aloneness. It is very different to the merging and loss of self and identity we may associate with collective bonding. It is about retaining our integrity and our own capacity to make decisions for ourselves. Not an easy thing, by the way.
I don’t want to scare you and say you’ll be lonely in the early stages of the experiment as you go through The Purge. But I do want to be honest about my experience, that is has been really fucking difficult. My inner circle gets closer and closer and sometimes I am scared that it will close altogether. That maybe this was all for nothing; maybe I’m crazy and I should go and fish for my old not-self life back.
But you realise at a certain point that there’s no going back. The body deconditions enough where you get so comfortable with S&A that it literally won’t let you. When you begin to enter into passenger consciousness, you are watching your body live its life, observing what it does, who it interacts with, what it moves towards.
The personality will occasionally throw a tantrum like “WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING?!” But there’s nothing it can do. It’s trapped up there after all. You got to tap her on the back and say, “excuse me, sit back in your seat and look out the windows like a good passenger”. It’s the easiest job in the world. Surrendering is not.
Waiting for the correct relationships to show up in my life can be hard. I suppose I’ve been waiting all my life, yearning for real connections which would recognise and honour me for who I am, not some homogenised not-self version. At least I can say I am now comfortable within myself. It makes the waiting process a hell of a lot easier.
My body has already oriented itself in this new direction, on this path of geometry my monopole seems to pull me towards. I have seen the beginnings of what real relationships look like, when two people come together as themselves. This is the foundation for 9-centred communion. Relationships without agenda, without control, without manipulation.
If you’re not-self, you can only ever communicate in lies because there is always something to hide or something to protect. In true self, there is honesty. Doesn’t mean there won’t be disagreements or differences in opinion. But there is mutual respect. There is acceptance of the other.
As I graduated from the experiment earlier this year and entered into what I call “the process” (to be elaborated on in a future post), The Purge only intensifies. My internal shattering has really shifted my internal reality and consequently who’s in my external.
I honestly don’t know when it will end. I guess it’s not really the point. And in a way, I am grateful for this period of aloneness because I don’t think it would have been possible to get to where I am now had it been crowded with other people. Space had to be made so I could go through my own deconditioning process. It gave me the time to prepare as a Projector through deep study. If my relationships are cluttered with people who no longer serve where I’m at, it will never be possible to allow the right ones to enter.
If you’re going through it, I feel you, I see you. A lot of people approach doors in this life; not many are going to open them. But we opened the door. And at least, we deserve to give ourselves some credit for that.